Week of 06/24/2007 - 06/30/2007 (Recovery Week 1)

I've optimistically decided to call this week "Recovery" instead of "Separated Metatarsal". Unless something goes drastically wrong, I've been promised to be cleared for walking and riding sans el Star Wars Boot on Thursday, June 28th.

The end is actually kind of tangible now, though I am slightly experiencing the Waiting Theory of Relativity (WTR)... that is, time slows drastically with increasing proximity to desired event. Christmas and birthdays aren't really that exciting anymore, but this one is huge, second only to the anticipation of getting my plaster and crutches type cast off in 2001. I just remember thinking back then, that I wouldn't need anything else in the world to be happy, if I could only just walk (wasn't an athlete back then...).

Walking is great and all, but the stakes are a little bit higher now... I'll get there some day.

Sunday 06/24 - Monday 06/25: Nothing. The funk continues from last week. Kind of stressed, can't sleep at night. Feeling vaguely head-achey all of the time and crappy. I sat down on the couch one day, and realized that I now have a real stomach roll... the kind that spills flabbily over the waist of your pants... .

Tuesday 06/26: Motivated by the discovery of the stomach roll, trundled off to the gym today. Saw Kiesz (not) playing softball with the chem grad students, oh the memories... it was better back in my day though, when the fields weren't enclosed by a chainlink fence, and there was a big stack of Coors Light by the third base line.

Anyways, same set of lifting as last week, core strengthening, stretching. Felt alright. Probably the last comprehensive lifting, though hope to maintain lat pull down, bench and hopefully tricep dips on a continuing basis to help with the fact that my shoulders cramp when I run because I am so, so weak.

Wednesday 06/27: Off. Last day to be fat! Ate a fantastic vietnamese meal with melon smoothie and fried bananas. Looking forward to tomorrow.

Thursday 06/28: And the day of reckoning has arrived at last. Ortho doc on the morning, was successfully cleared for exercising. Got a prescription for physical therapy to correct the atrophy pain associated with the left ankle/arch. Walking feels funny, but oh, so good!

Nice leisurely stroll* to farmer's market in honor of Ryan's imminent departure :(. Bought some excellent fruit and Peruvian dinner by the South Pas library, yum!

*leisurely stroll caused sharp pain in my L arch that night, but mostly corrected with some icing and sleeping. Metatarsal joint a bit stiff, a bit more puffy than usual, but no pain.

Friday 06/29: First ride back! Ditched work a bit early to go ride 5 laps around the Rose Bowl, plus commuting time. 23.57 miles in 1:27 for 16.1 mph average. Fun, legs actually felt pretty good, but struggled badly on the cardio front. HR immediately jumped to 158 and then to 175 where it stayed for the rest of the ride, despite leisurely pace... I am SUCH A FRED, GOOD GRIEF. My bike has been much improved and my fitness had been much decreased, ergo a double whammy for the Fred Index. Wished desperately for a sign that said "This is my first day out of a cast... please be kind!"

Very happy with the new improvements though. Seat is so comfortable, no more chafing, thank goodness! Helmet fits perfectly, even though its an ugly bright blue color instead of Bianchi green... Shoes are really stiff and good, orthotics fit well, didnt feel any strain on the toe at all. L arch hurt, but it pretty much is consistently unhappy, irrespective of what shoe I am wearing, so decided to chalk it up to atrophied ligaments and wait for PT to strengthen all of that back.

Saturday 06/30: Day 2, struggled mightily through 6 laps of the Rose Bowl, 26.6 miles, 1:44, 15.2 mph average. HR lower, 150-170. Pretty discouraging... legs felt TOTALLY dead and leaden from yesterday, that horrible leaden, heavy, aching feeling. I actually kind of like the running sore feeling, but this is just unbearable.

This is one of those days where I feel embarassed to call myself an athlete. The only thing that separated me from those fat people creaking slowly along on $100 walmart bikes today is $1400 of lighter, faster bike. Felt just a smidge better after 1 hour of grueling slowness, so decided to stick out the last 3 laps. No way I'm going to be able to stick to my plan of 1 lap/day rate of increase.

Thanks to all for your congratulations, despite the last entry, I am really psyched to be back in some way. Don't hold your breath on the running again, but drink of your choice on me to celebrate when that day comes for anyone and everyone!

Week of 06/17/2007 - 06/23/2007 (Separated 2nd Metatarsal Joint Week 7)

A Medical Mystery...

My parents are vitamin freaks. I guess I'm kind of a vitamin freak too, or now that I'm an athlete, I've become somewhat of a pill freak. In the beginning, I had the Granny pill box of every vitamin and every supplement and every training fad ever to have existed... but I'm starting to weed out the ones that don't seem to work. After extensive research, I've debunked the whole glucosamine craze. That's already 3 fewer pills a day.

Enter WOBenzyme... the mysterious, expensive little red pill that comes in packs of 800. While skeptical at first, I ended up swallowing 15 of these after my last crash. Strangely, within an hour of taking this, the swelling reduced drastically on my banged up elbows, and all of the scabs healed a lot faster than when I skinned my knees when I fell on a late night run.

I ordered my own bottle which arrived last Friday, so on a whim I started taking them despite the lack of acute trauma. Within a few days, I noticed that the residual soreness and swelling in my toe began to subside after a long period of plateaued improvement. Coincidence? The mystery continues...

Sunday 06/17: Missed going to the gym due to visitors from a far away land. Culinary tour of the Pasadena area with friend from highschool friend. Boba tea and In 'n Out... SO FAT...

Monday 06/18: Back on the ball. An encouraging day at the gym. Still pretty weak, but weights getting easier, kind of getting settled into a routine. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel, like I may actually survive without ending up in the looney bin. Did core strengthening and stretching to round out an 80 minute session.

In other news, the last of my purchases arrived in the mail today! Spiffy new cycling shoes that fit my orthotics perfectly. Hopefully this will help with my feet once I'm back in the saddle. Really looking forwards to moving into the walking/riding/physical therapy phase in 1.5 weeks!

Tuesday 06/19 - Saturday 06/23: Nothing. I'm a big loser :). Couldn't work up the motivation to go the gym, etc. Lots of distractions, fussing over new bike parts. Getting inordinately fat. This is bad... but thankfully the end is in sight. Counting the days until the cast comes off!

Week of 06/10/2007 - 06/16/2007 (Separated 2nd Metatarsal Joint Week 5)

EMPIRICAL ASSERTION #1 --->

Where the quantity Q sub T represents the quantity of training (in hours per week) and the quantity Q sub S represents the quantity of shopping (in dollars per # of amazon.com purchases per week).

I'm not really a shopper by nature. Much to Uncle Bain's chagrin, I only buy two types of things: athletic equipment and food. The last time I bought so many things was when I bought my bike last summer, the last time I couldn't run for a really extended period of time... coincidence? the mystery continues...

The hypothesis is that the compulsive shopping is my way of soothing the demons. I can't *train* to make myself faster, so maybe I can buy new shoes, lighter bike parts, a new HR monitor? I have to feel like I'm still in touch with that world, I have to feel like I'm still doing something to make myself faster, even though, in a saner mindset these are not really the things that matter. Maybe its a desperate plea to the heavens--look how much cool new stuff I bought for my hobbies... oh, please don't take this away from me forever...

Sunday 06/10: Off. Hair-cutting and gu-making with KB and Ian. HOLY CRAP MY HEAD IS SO MUCH LIGHTER! I had been saving this occasion for the day when I'm at the edge of something... 19:01 or maybe even 18:01 or 3:00:01. But I guess its okay, maybe we have to take the leap of faith in advance of being there. Feel like my hair is now more compatible with my lifestyle.

Monday 06/11: Back to the gym again, added leg curls, one at a time. Incremental gains in lats, delts, free weights... but a bit consterned about lack of progress in the bench. Core strengthening, stretching. Disgruntled about "summer hours". Basically the 8 pm - midnight crowd now gets mashed into the 8 pm - 10 pm window, so everything is really crowded, and I'm not really at the point where I feel entitled to complain to a 200 lb guy that I still have a set left on the bench.

Maybe this is very snooty and elitist of me, but I personally feel that there is a pecking order for athletic facilities... People who are actually serious about something should have priority, and then within the set of equally dedicated individuals, priority should go to the greatest need, and then lastly to greater ability. But it rarely comes down to that. Mostly its about the level of dedication. When it comes to the track or the elliptical, I'm very pushy, but I know I'm just at the gym to pass the injury time... let the muscle men have their weights.

Tuesday 06/12: Rest day. Dinner with Dr. Rossi. Consult on the foot indicates low probability of stress fracture based on symptoms. Felt moderately encouraged. Prognosis on the compulsive shopping was more grim--the path that starts with improving one's bike usually ends inevitably in the buying of an entirely new bike, apparently. Thankfully, thus far I do not present with such symptoms. Perhaps my lack of being a high net worth individual has a retarding effect on the progression of Bike-buying-itis.

Wednesday 06/13: Some improvement at gym. Same set as Monday, but with incremental gains across most of my sets. Accidentally put more weight on the bench on my last set and almost died. Mostly a good day, except for the unfortunate circumstance of having forgotten to bring a t-shirt to change into since I went directly after work. Decided that my dignity was not worth the 20 minute round trip to retrieve this item, so looked like an idiot and was moderately uncomfortable.

Core strengthening and stretching afterwards. Unsuccessfully tried to extract the Bowerman book out of Matt and/or Mark. Got something about twinkies instead, to go with the theme of obesity.

Thursday 06/14 - Saturday 06/16: Sadly for me, woke up on thursday with a sharp pain in my left shoulder, probably from that last set of bench press. Decided to take a few days to let that heal a little bit. Was foiled in our attempt to view a Freeway Series game. *shakes first*

In other news, went back to el doctor unit on Friday... got told to wear the boot or the flat shoe for another 2 weeks, mehhhhhh... thankfully if it survives this, then I'm good to go. Joint has been feeling a lot better recently, with full range of movement, the only issue is that there is this residual tenderness/soreness associated with a little bit of swelling over the top of the joint. It's just slightly painful to the touch, and the improvement has kind of plateaued, which is concerning. I suspect though, that this is really more associated with the trauma of the incision site, rather than an outgrowth of the original condition.

Week of 06/03/2007 - 06/09/2007 (Separated 2nd Metatarsal Joint Week 4)

Hokay. So, here's the thing.

I've tried and I've tried to put some sort of a redeeming spin on things, tried and tried to preserve some last obscure bastion of identity, but the bottom line is this. For me, unplanned time off bites the big one.

I've finally just accepted that nothing I can do will make this time suck less. So, I will put my head down and get through this week, I will get through next week and maybe, just maybe on Friday, June 15th, I will be cleared for some walking and if I'm really *really* lucky, a little bit of riding. Here's to hoping.

Sunday 06/03 - Monday 06/04: Nothing, external consternations. Can't find the motivation to go lift, even though presumably it will be better than sitting on my ass. Ate cookies. Lots of them.

Tuesday 06/05: Dragged fat ass to gym--success! Thinking the motivation is a good sign for me making it 2 more weeks like this. For the life of me I can't remember what I used to DO at the gym though.... I had a 90 minute and 60 minute routine that got alternated, but take out the ones that involve legs, and the ones I can't remember and the machines that have disappeared (WTF happened to the pull up/tricep dip bar!?!?!?!?) I only had enough crap to do to fill up 1 hour, including core strengthening.

Lats, Bench, Pecs, Delts, free weights (curls, shoulders, forearm), core strengthening. Through some trial and error, determined that every set essentially had to be decreased ~40% from what I used to be able to do back in 2004. Glad that I went though, even though I felt squishy and weak, like a normal girl... gah!

Wednesday 06/06: Sore as hell, swamped with work. Felt okay with decision to take a recovery day. Will go back tomorrow. If I remember correctly, the learning curve on lifting is pretty steep.

Thursday 06/07: Argh, sore as hell, arguably more so than yesterday. Unfortunately today is not a rest day. Did the same set at the same weight as Tuesday, but with a lot more difficulty due to extreme soreness. Can't lift arms above shoulder height or behind the plane of my body without incredible pain. Felt better after the workout, but afraid that I'm just compounding the soreness for Saturday. Bah, humbug.

Friday 06/08: Kangway's going away dinner/beer mile. Booo to leaving :'(. Hobbled the equivalent of 400m in the walking cast, no beers. Inebriated-to-varying-degrees pull up contest ensued... based on results of 2 days of lifting... wisely decided to avoid that ass-kicking.

Saturday 06/09: Back to the gym again. Surprisingly, not very sore anymore, thank goodness. Added a few new ones--quads and leg press (gingerly and one leg at a time, if possible) and back extentions.

Tried to increase some weights, with mostly poor results. Pissed at the lack of improvement. Found a way to fix the tricep dip bar, but determined that the competence was sorely lacking... had trouble completing 3, much less 3 sets of 15. This used to be my favorite set too... how sad.

Core strengthening afterwards, almost 90 minutes total today! Progress is frustrating, but I think its a step in the right direction that I'm doing *anything* at all other than sitting on my butt eating food.

Week of 05/27/2007 - 06/02/2007 (Separated 2nd Metatarsal Joint Week 3)

Three weeks in the land of the mere mortals... and I'm NOT liking it.

For those who watch Grey's, its like when Cristina wanders into the hospital on her wedding day and begs to operate, because she has no eyebrows and no dignity left after getting dolled up by the mother in law: "One cut... I'm a surgeon..." she says pitiously. That's me, see...

One run, one ride, one lap... of anything! I'm an athlete... and I need to FEEL like an athlete... Don't give me the "having the right attitude towards injury" crap--this is a physical suffering, a withdrawal. A material and physiological craving, like the starving person's desire for food... I need to feel the ground move faster and faster beneath me, I need to feel the wind cutting my face, I need to feel the impatient energy run up and down a lean and defined leg, to push with reckless abandon, the lactic acid burning as seconds tick by hard and fast....

In the meantime, there's this:

The $245 shoe...

MBT, Masai Barefoot Technology, was invented by Swiss engineer Karl Müller. During a visit to Korea he made the startling discovery that walking barefoot over paddy fields alleviated his back pain. Back in Switzerland, Müller began to develop a footwear technology that would make the natural instability of soft ground such as Korean paddy fields or the East African savannah accessible also to those, who have to walk on hard surfaces.

Apparently its sort of like the Nike Free concept, except that it supposedly also redistributes the pressure of your weight more evenly across your feet, which is the reason for the decreased joint pain.

I was originally hoping that they would be able to replace the flat surgical shoes that really hurt my feet... but after a few days I determined that the L foot wasn't really healed enough to be able to take the increased range of motion. As a compromise, I'm now wearing one surgical shoe and one MBT shoe. Fortunately, they happen to be about the same height.

Friday 06/01: CORTISONE SHOT. Hot diggity, did not know about all of the ways that this could hurt. First off, the needle is about the size of a dull pencil lead... then, its not like one clean movement, there's a lot of poking around in there to distribute the fluid and find the right place to put it.

Finally, apparently 1 out of 4 people have some sort of horrendous reaction to the cortisone so that they experience excruciating pain for 1-2 days. But, ofcourse, don't freak out, he says. Guess which category yours truly is in...

THIS is my new shoe:

The thing is, given how painful and potentially joint/tendon weakening this shot is, I want to make sure I did all I could to help my foot heal. This is a lot more immobilizing than the flat surgical shoe, so it should help with keeping the pressure off of the joint if it comes out of this shot in good shape.

There was originally novacaine mixed with the cortisone, and as that wore off throughout the day, gradually the pain of the adverse reaction worsened until it reached "excruciating". Iced as much as I could and took 1 Aleve... helped a bit, but still pretty awful.

Reclaiming me... one day at a time

For those of you young 'uns, this is not a fire and brimstone warning, this is merely an empirical observation:

Life sucks after college, if you don't have anywhere to go.

And by "anywhere to go" I don't mean, a job to go to, or a grad school to attend, or even a parents basement to mooch off of, I mean that you've got something to do that you're excited about. Something that will help you get to where you want to be, or even something that will help you figure out where you eventually want to be.

The freshman class when I was a senior are shortly about to graduate, and I still have nowhere to go. Stuck somewhere between not thinking I can get to anywhere I want to be, and not wanting to be anywhere I think I can get to... I question what exactly it is that I want, and if you question what you want too much, you start to question who you are. This is the state of me as a runner, and this is also the state of me as a person. Like I've always said, I am as a runner who I am as a person.

The reality is, that ever since that day in December when probably the best workout of my life (10K tempo on the track, which was thoroughly exhilarating for the ease with which I found I could crank out 6:35-6:40 miles) was immediately crushed by a 2-3 week injury from which I never truly recovered... my hope for myself as a runner has slowly been receding. You start out all optimistic that you can overcome the injury, the training mistakes, the everything that goes wrong... you start out with a firm belief in your own potential... and with every day that goes by without improvement, a little part of that dies, slowly but surely. The doubt grows, the motivation wanes, the depression creeps in.

As everyone else looks forward with starry eyes towards summer training, a new beginning, a new season, a new hope--I've decided that I have to take a stand against the angst and the wallowing. I'm reclaiming me, who I used to be, who I want to be, who I will be.

I don't have anywhere to go, in fact I don't even know where I want to go. I can't answer the big questions in life. But of this I am sure: I want every step of my journey to stand for who I am. I embrace extremes, I am small but I am fierce, I am dedicated, I am loyal, but what drives me most of all is competition.

I realized one day this year, that I'm not cut out to be a coach, because I am what I am. I'm not a role model. I'm not selfless, I'm not the runner I should be. Kiesz asks, "why run at all?", and the "right" answer is because you love to run, right? That you find some sort of deeper meaning, that it defines you, that it brings out the best in you, makes you all fit and happy and fast. My answer is because running is the only truly selfish thing that I do, running makes me free... its the purest distillation of what I am, the good, the bad and the ugly. I define running as much as running defines me.

I don't run to be happy, I don't run to get something out of it, I run in order to be myself--my flawed, neurotic self. Its a bond stronger than love. At the end of the day, I'm an athlete, not "a person who loves running". I run so that some day, if not today, I will race you, and I will win.

I'm the best at what I do. I was top of my highschool class, I was the best organic chemistry student that Caltech has seen in many years, I was the first and the only one of my year to be hired at a top 3 consulting firm, I can even stuff envelopes faster than anyone at the office. Whatever comes next, bring it on. I will pick up more marbles with my toes than anyone else, I will balance on the ankle board for longer than anyone else, if I have to be the most dedicated physical therapy patient that ever was, then I will be that plus one more set of theraband stretches. I'm not always happy about what I am currently doing, but whatever it happens to be, I'll do it better. That is my stand against all of the uncertainty, whatever happens to me next, I will conquer it. I'm the best at what I do, and if anyone or anything thinks otherwise, come and race me: I dare you.

Postscriptum--for our more sensitive viewers: the above is not meant to be offensive. I sincerely hope that every person believes that they are the best at what they do. I hope that when you stand on that starting line, you think you can win it all. I hope, actually very strongly, that when you stand next to me in a race, you want to kick my ass. Because otherwise, it wouldn't be a fair contest. If we were all just happy to lie down and accept "so and so will beat me today", then why bother at all? Why don't we just line up in the order that we think we will finish, and assign place cards accordingly? So, be a little arrogant, be non-PC, be all of who you are, and not just the sanitized, perspective-infused, even-keeled, realistic parts.

Week of 05/20/2007 - 05/26/2007 (Separated 2nd Metatarsal Joint Week 2)

No training this week. Just trying to get my crap together. Two words: oy vey.

Sunday 05/20 - Monday 05/21: Packing boxes, lifting boxes, moving boxes... on the upside, I'm not getting as fat as I could be, on the down side, my feet are killing me. Toe joint is getting progressively worse, so glad that the moving is almost over. Feeling anxious... about flying again, about health, about life.

Tuesday 05/22: Woke up in the early AM took one step out of bed and felt a searing pain through the arch of my RIGHT foot. GAH! Went immediately back to sleep, and thankfully it was a lot better after a few more hours of sleep. Still freaked me out... I still think the flat shoes are damaging to basically everything else in your foot (and knees, since there's no give or cushioning, especially when boxes are being transported...). I don't think I'm going to wear them anymore.

Wednesday 05/23: Nothing, made it safely home. Exhausted, but glad to be back. Had interesting existential conversation with Gustavo who picked me up from the airport, forgot to ask him how running (or his recent lack of it) fits in with all of this philosophy.

Thursday 05/24 - Saturday 05/26: Unproductive, over-eating. Foot getting worse, bastards won't move my appointment up to get the cortisone shot. *Shakes fist*. Despite my resolution, I am still sucking at being healthy and at life... gotta do better next week.