I'm having a rare public moment of self-doubt.
Just putting that out there.
1) I doubt what I am as a runner. Most people find some race that they love more than the other ones, mostly that coincides with the distance that they are fastest at, though its indeterminate whether there is a causal effect. After 3 years, I still don't know. I'd LIKE to be a miler, but there's no way. And since I'm not willing to put in the effort to do the shorter intensity workouts and really, really try to see if I can improve at that distance, clearly its not that important to me. I have the most goals for the 5K, but I think that's driven more by my inherent competitive nature, and the 5K is the common denominator for most distance track runners. I currently consider myself a 10K runner, but a lot of days lately I doubt that too. If I can't run a solid 5K, obviously I won't run a solid 10K. I'm too uncoordinated and injury prone for the steeplechase. I'm probably most suited to a half marathon, but my legs can only take so much road running and we're back to injury prone. I also can't get over my unrequited love affair with the track, so I'd really really like it, if whatever I am... was a track distance.
2) Related to not knowing what I am, is that since I don't know what I am, my training lacks focus and direction. I just had this pang of doubt, what if The Master Plan, the one I spent all summer researching and tweaking and obsessing over... what if it's completely wrong? Why am I doing so much tempo work at the 6:30-6:50 pace range, when that's basically too fast for half marathon pace and too slow for 10K pace? If I want to run a 5K, why bother with this crap? Shouldn't I be doing more of the 7:00 - 7:30 steady state runs and then shorter faster cruise intervals at like closer to 5K goal pace (6:10-6:20) miles and 1000m repeats? gah. I realized that I really just end up doing tons and tons of the types of workouts that I'm good at, which are, hill climbs and threshold tempo work--and when those tire me out... I get upset when there's a bad result. I realized that I have a lot of trouble executing on the theories... I make plans but then I just kind of change them around based on emotional responses and whims. I haven't DONE a steady state tempo in months, I still mostly do my base work too fast, and I do my trackwork in a very disordered and undisciplined way. Sometimes it feels like I don't know what I'm doing at all.
Sunday 01/28: 12.1 miles, 1:37:44 Palomar long loop, fantastic long run. Warm and sunny despite the forecast of rain. Felt really good and relaxed, averaging ~8:15's for the first 5 miles, then ~7:50 after that. Pushed a little bit in the last mile cuz I felt impatient... I still face the same problem that I feel like my legs are capable of so much more than my cardiovascular can support. Was kind of surpised at the overall time, faster than I should have been running, I suppose, but its hard to hold back on a day you feel good.
Monday 01/29: off. Mondays are my rest day now. I guess this is more logical given that I've got more time flexibility on the weekend, so I should make use of both weekend days.
Tuesday 01/30: 9.5 miles, tempo work at the track. Was supposed to do some pacework for the race on Saturday, but instead got sucked in by curiosity about the 3-2-1 ladder workout courtesy of Crosby Freeman via KB.
Intended: 3 miles (6:40, 6:40, 6:40), 5 minutes of rest, 2 miles (6:30, 6:30), 5 minutes of rest, 1 mile (6:10 - 6:20).
Actual: 5K (6:42, 6:44, 6:42, 0:45, total = 20:53), 2 miles (6:47, 6:51, total = 13:38), crushing realization that I'm in HORRIBLE shape and my body has failed me, 10 x 100m striders on grass. 20 minutes of warm up and 20 minutes of cool down. Arches felt sore, so didn't use the Nike Frees.
*Public Service Announcement--Please put earmuffs on small children*
AAAAARRRGHHHHHH... fuck, fuck, fuck! I was running 13:05's last week for 2 miles and that felt GOOD. I don't know what happened, but my body just failed me today. I felt good on the warmup, good, relaxed and breathing through my nose through the first mile, and then it just all fell apart. I want to just say, a bad day is a bad day--but I also have this overwhelming feeling that its not just that... the greater problem is my refusal to accept that I'm not as fast as I think I am. My threshold pacing is too aggressive, and only on my best days does it actually click and everything feels good and easy and sustainable. Then on all of the other days it feels like I'm desperately chasing the clock around the track, beating myself over the head as to why I can't do it this week, this day, this one time. Why can't it just always be like that day where I felt like I could run 6:40's forever. What is different about today?
I need to swallow my pride and take a step back. It's like this--people seem to think I'm just being obstinate about not accepting the training theory where you don't do your trackwork as fast as possible... but it's not that... it's that I'm being obstinate about the fact that I refuse to accept that "as fast as possible" isn't so different from what I'm doing. I haven't raced a 10K on the track in about 3 years, but I have this unfailing belief in myself that if I were to, the next one I do, I'll be running 39:30. The truth is, I'm not there yet. If I had to race a 10K tomorrow, the truth is that I would be lucky to be sub-41:00. Given that, maybe I shouldn't expect to do tempo work and consistently run in the 6:30-40 range. 42:03 felt so amazingly easy that one day, but it was 1.5 months ago, and things are different now ... I need to learn to be able to train without constant injury, I need to learn to let go when things are breaking, I need to learn to be more humble and more patient.
The reality is that letting go is scary. I believe that I got as far as I've come today by having the audacity to set my goals high, to believe that I could do more than people (including myself) thought. Logically I know that this cycle of pride and expectation and failure is actually preventing my progress as an athlete, but there's a part of me that thinks I'm losing part of my competitive edge, eroding mental toughness by admitting: I'm not as good as I think I ought to be.
Wednesday 01/31: 6.25 miles, 51:59 Huntington easy on grass median. I can't believe Ian and Mark run hundreds of miles of medians... those obnoxious little round seed pod thingies from all of the trees make it impossible not to twist your ankles! Felt fine, physically... frustrated psychologically...
Thursday 02/01: ~7 miles, Susan's magical mix of tempo intervals. No watch, no clue about pacing or even overall time. 5 minutes (tempo), 5 minutes jogging, 15 minutes (tempo), 5 minutes jogging, 5 minutes (tempo), 2 x 400m (tempo pace).
So much fun, I miss the team... and running in the morning! Everything goes by so much faster when you have people to talk to and run with. Felt easy and relaxed, not stressed out about pacing. There's something about Susan that inspires confidence. 400m pacework felt strangely comfortable today, 98 seconds (~6:35 pace), then 85 seconds (~5:43 pace). Breathing felt totally under control. Decided to go for the 2 mile on Saturday, this will be my first one ever. Should be interesting.
Friday 02/02: ~4.5 miles, 37 minutes of light jogging around the south field, then 6 x 100m striders. Everything feels good, definitely on the fat side, but running in general is starting to feel a bit more natural in the past two days. The race tomorrow is going to be a total crapshoot. If I feel like Tuesday, then I will probably embarass myself for all of eternity with some sort of 12:30-12:40 type result. If I feel like Thursday, then I have a good shot at 12:00 -12:15, which is ideal pacing for a 5K later in the season. Anyways, off to bed!
Saturday 02/03: ~7 miles, CMS Alumni race with Ryan, Chris, JRo, Dr. Rossi. 26 minutes warm up (ran hard for 5 minutes), 2 miles in 12:32 (6:14, 6:18), incredibly embarassing 200m relay leg, 22 minutes cool down. Ate kumquats. Delicious.
Disappointed with race time, but felt I did the best I could, already felt pretty worn out and tired on the warm up, kind of like Tuesday... blah, but ran intelligently for the most part, fell apart in the last 100m, got passed... couldn't catch Mouzakis. Maybe next week.
Target Mileage: 45 Miles
Week Actual: 46.35 Miles
Last Week: 40.95 Miles
Glad I did the 2 mile, and Lindsay kicks butt! I'll have a 5K PR for sure this year if I can stick with her. Great to see everyone again, got a lot of ribbing from Goldhammer, but managed to make it through a whole day without a snide comment from KBeck.
3 comments:
5k is for high school kids! Grownups aren't confined to the track and shorter races. You can get around the tree on Bailey. It's kinda like shootin womp rats in my T-16 back home. Strange that you say 6:10-6:20 is your 5k goal pace and then 6:30 is too slow for 10k pace. Color me confused. You don't need to take off days if you slow the hell down during your workouts!
you seem to be stressing a lot. maybe you just need to chill and take the watch off. have some fun.
kangway, look who's talking dude. you are basically a younger version of megumi, except with better tits.
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