For those of you young 'uns, this is not a fire and brimstone warning, this is merely an empirical observation:
Life sucks after college, if you don't have anywhere to go.
And by "anywhere to go" I don't mean, a job to go to, or a grad school to attend, or even a parents basement to mooch off of, I mean that you've got something to do that you're excited about. Something that will help you get to where you want to be, or even something that will help you figure out where you eventually want to be.
The freshman class when I was a senior are shortly about to graduate, and I still have nowhere to go. Stuck somewhere between not thinking I can get to anywhere I want to be, and not wanting to be anywhere I think I can get to... I question what exactly it is that I want, and if you question what you want too much, you start to question who you are. This is the state of me as a runner, and this is also the state of me as a person. Like I've always said, I am as a runner who I am as a person.
The reality is, that ever since that day in December when probably the best workout of my life (10K tempo on the track, which was thoroughly exhilarating for the ease with which I found I could crank out 6:35-6:40 miles) was immediately crushed by a 2-3 week injury from which I never truly recovered... my hope for myself as a runner has slowly been receding. You start out all optimistic that you can overcome the injury, the training mistakes, the everything that goes wrong... you start out with a firm belief in your own potential... and with every day that goes by without improvement, a little part of that dies, slowly but surely. The doubt grows, the motivation wanes, the depression creeps in.
As everyone else looks forward with starry eyes towards summer training, a new beginning, a new season, a new hope--I've decided that I have to take a stand against the angst and the wallowing. I'm reclaiming me, who I used to be, who I want to be, who I will be.
I don't have anywhere to go, in fact I don't even know where I want to go. I can't answer the big questions in life. But of this I am sure: I want every step of my journey to stand for who I am. I embrace extremes, I am small but I am fierce, I am dedicated, I am loyal, but what drives me most of all is competition.
I realized one day this year, that I'm not cut out to be a coach, because I am what I am. I'm not a role model. I'm not selfless, I'm not the runner I should be. Kiesz asks, "why run at all?", and the "right" answer is because you love to run, right? That you find some sort of deeper meaning, that it defines you, that it brings out the best in you, makes you all fit and happy and fast. My answer is because running is the only truly selfish thing that I do, running makes me free... its the purest distillation of what I am, the good, the bad and the ugly. I define running as much as running defines me.
I don't run to be happy, I don't run to get something out of it, I run in order to be myself--my flawed, neurotic self. Its a bond stronger than love. At the end of the day, I'm an athlete, not "a person who loves running". I run so that some day, if not today, I will race you, and I will win.
I'm the best at what I do. I was top of my highschool class, I was the best organic chemistry student that Caltech has seen in many years, I was the first and the only one of my year to be hired at a top 3 consulting firm, I can even stuff envelopes faster than anyone at the office. Whatever comes next, bring it on. I will pick up more marbles with my toes than anyone else, I will balance on the ankle board for longer than anyone else, if I have to be the most dedicated physical therapy patient that ever was, then I will be that plus one more set of theraband stretches. I'm not always happy about what I am currently doing, but whatever it happens to be, I'll do it better. That is my stand against all of the uncertainty, whatever happens to me next, I will conquer it. I'm the best at what I do, and if anyone or anything thinks otherwise, come and race me: I dare you.
Postscriptum--for our more sensitive viewers: the above is not meant to be offensive. I sincerely hope that every person believes that they are the best at what they do. I hope that when you stand on that starting line, you think you can win it all. I hope, actually very strongly, that when you stand next to me in a race, you want to kick my ass. Because otherwise, it wouldn't be a fair contest. If we were all just happy to lie down and accept "so and so will beat me today", then why bother at all? Why don't we just line up in the order that we think we will finish, and assign place cards accordingly? So, be a little arrogant, be non-PC, be all of who you are, and not just the sanitized, perspective-infused, even-keeled, realistic parts.
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